Survival

In this cancer journey I promised I be honest and real and not sugarcoat anything since my journey was made public. I want to make one thing completely clear. This is my journey and my feelings. Everyone’s journey is different and unique and specific to them. Each person will have some of these experiences and some will have others.

Relief that this part is over

I have finished my last Keytruda and the only thing left is the reconstructive surgery. That is the visible tangible things. What is not visible and is harder than the year of fighting for you life is learning to live again. Survivorship! Yea it’s talked about but it is dismissed a lot because you should be grateful just to be alive right? The fight is real. You have gone from consistent care to trying to figure out who you are now. Cancer has stripped away not only who you were but some of the drugs have stripped away some of your memories, maybe some of your functions - like using your hands, chemo brain has stripped away some of words or word processing. Anxiety, you now face mortality in a completely different way, you might come to the realization of everything you lost this past year while trying to be grateful for what you do have.

Caregivers are tired after watching someone they love fight for their life, trying to hold it together, trying to hold the family together and do all of what you do and what they do and take care of you. They are exhausted too.

And then there is the guilt. The guilt that you were the one with cancer, that you were the one that had to be taken care of, that couldn’t do what needed to be done, maybe survivors guilt that you made it and someone didn’t or is still fighting or maybe some jealousy that someone else had it easier. Guilt that you missed so much that can’t be recreated. People say just be thankful to be a live. Trust me we are - but it is hard to know what we missed.

They say cancer is just a pause in your life. But once cancer is done it is like a fast forward to where everyone else is. We haven’t caught up. It’s going to take a while.

While you are in the treatment- you are in a fog because of the drugs and you disassociate yourself with everything around you just trying to get through. Survivorship is coming back and seeing everything that has happened trying to process what was lost and gained and going through all the complex emotions of grief of who you were and trying to figure out who you are now.

Life can be hard in general there is no after cancer - there is only survival. Changes can be harder, life events are more dramatic, choices cane be harder as well.

I am a very analytical person-I can analyze my cancer, I can analyze what I am feeling- processing is my downfall. As honest I can be -I think I have cried more after the end of treatment. And I hate crying but apparently I now cry at dog commercials - I think I might cry when the doorbell rings…. it sucks.

So that is where we are at. The after active treatment. The leaning to be alive, be present, live and re emerge from the ashes to be whatever we are meant to be. Growth is not linear neither is recovery or survivorship. Know that your cancer friends need you more now than possibly during treatment.