Introspective

So when you hear that you have cancer your world turns upside down but so does that of your family. This is what I have learned about my journey.

One - it sucks..... yea that it is first thing you think of. But it is also a journey of grief and living. You go through the steps of grief-denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. And you can go through these steps several times a day, sometimes you can go through them over a period of time and sometimes you have one for several days. and sometimes you just can't get through one before you are on the next one.

You are not just grieving that you have cancer, but how it affects you and your family. For example - I love to cook. It has been hard for me to cook because I get tired quickly, my sense of smell and taste are off due to the chemo or I might get my shedding hair in the meal and then there is also chemo brain... did I add this or did I turn the stove off or how long am I supposed to leave that in there - I forgot. So here you are living, but grief for the things that you can't do.

So this affects your family in that someone has to help cook with you, someone has to make sure that if you do cook - you have turned off the stove or put it in for the correct amount of time. It is like learning to do things all over again. It is hard. It's not the leaning on someone that is hard but knowing that they also have their stuff to do and now you have added to the burden.

Someitmes, I fee l like a preteen learning to navigate the world that I have lived in for years. I feel like I need constant supervision - not for anything drastic but just daily life. I grieve for my independence.

I love reading. It is hard to read some days because of the swelling or the fuzzies in my eyes and then there are days that I can't sit still long enough to read. I get angry because of it.

I love crafting but I don't have the patience for it right now. It makes me angry and depressed because sometimes I don't want to be happy

I want to deny that I am having a bad day and that my body is giving out on me or that on some days I am not ok....but that is ok.

It is the stages of grief, and we grieve for what we can't do right now or have trouble doing, and the acceptance comes when we look and see how far we have come, and we need to continue to fight so we can get back to those things we love doing.

These are the things that go through my mind. I try not to dwell on them but as a cancer diagnosis and a chemo patient these thoughts go through your mind. I am lucky, I have an amazing husband who is with me every step of the way. I have three amazing daughters that cheer me on and are there for a hug when I need it and whatever I might need. And I have a wonderful community - neighbors, friends, co-workers and my care team that are there for me to lean on.

I know some of you are going to read this and be worried. Please do not be worried. I am in an ok/good spot. But I also promised to be real and honest and transparent. These are thoughts that go through my brain on a given time, and they are normal for people to feel. The frustration, the anger, the acceptance. It's all part of the whole journey. And the journey I will continue on.