Still in survival mode

Chemo is done, mastectomy is done, in a waiting pattern for radiation and then will be in a waiting pattern for reconstructive surgery- all of this is still done in survival mode but also some recovery mode.

Now we are also in the realization mode. Durning the process of being diagnosed with cancer we - you have a plan of attack and then you just go with it. You hit the ground running with chemo and then a different chemo and doctors appointments and procedures and more chemo and more doctors appointments and finding a surgeon and a plastic surgeon. Then you have surgery and recovery. Then radiation…. All standard of care processes.

So now that I am at the in-between stages of recovery and radiation- I have time to think of what exactly has happened over the past 9 months. It’s hard to describe how I feel. I want things to go back to the way it was before cancer but here’s the reality- I am not sure what life before cancer really was. I know what I could do and what I shouldn’t do but did anyway….. now I have trouble opening a jar or reaching for the top shelf in the pantry.

During chemo you disassociate with yourself just to get by. It is the only way to really get through it. You have the pain of the cancer, the pain of the medication, the emotional toll, the psychological toll, the spiritual toll and the physical toll. The toll it takes on your caregiver, your partner, your kids.

It’s really hard for me because I tried to stay strong for my girls, my husband, my dad and brothers because we lost my mom to cancer 8 years ago. I didn’t want them to see the struggles that I was going through because in their mind cancer = death. But in the back of my mind it was always there.

So I am healing physically- emotionally will probably take longer. Someone asked me if I feel like myself again. I don’t know what myself is after cancer. I will have to find out who she is one day at a time. Hopefully I am stronger, more authentic, more loving…. More gracious to myself.

So survival mode will probably continue for the rest of my life because I have survived cancer. I have survived chemo, I have survived the masctomy. I will survive radiation and reconstruction surgery and I will continue to survive knowing what could have been but wasn’t.