Survivals guilt

Many of you know my mom passed away a few years ago from ovian cancer. It was the first of June that my dad called and told me she had cancer we. I remember vividly where I was and what I was doing. I was waiting for the girls to finish their swim practice so we could go to the Girl Scout camp around the corner.

I remember driving down mid June to stay with my in laws and I got up every morning for the 2 1/2 weeks we were there to go see my mom early in the morning and the the afternoon have the girls come by and say hi.

I remember brushing her hair and it being matted from her chemo treatments and brushing it out as she lay there in the hospital bed.

I know my story isn’t over and that my cancer is different from what hers was. I know mine was caught relatively early. I know that hers had progressed far beyond what medication could have helped. But there is this feeling - why do I get to survive when she didn’t.

When you have someone that is close to you that has passed away from an illness that you have in common- you will have survivors guilt. It is part of the process and you’ve got to figure out how to keep going. I know my mom would not have wanted me to feel guilty. She would not have wanted this for me. I didn’t want that for her either.

It really is a never ending cycle. I just have to keep believing that my life still has purpose and moving forward. Keep having faith that there is a reason. Having goals to meet and remembering that my journey is different than hers.