The Emotional Price Tag

So tomorrow I have my last infusion of Part A of my cancer journey. The treatment plan is a 6-month plan. So how am I feeling..... to be honest I am not sure all the time.

I get up every morning to get my girls ready for school - why because I need to. I need to feel that sense of normalcy. I need to know that is something I can still do. Do I want to do it - no. I like my sleep, but they are part of my normalcy from before the diagnosis. There isn't a lot of that left right now.

I am tired, I am frustrated, I am over it. I am tired of having a positive attitude or people telling me to have a positive attitude because this is what gets you through it. Yea, a positive attitude does but so does knowing when you need to breakdown and just let go. Something that I know that I need to do at some point but just can't seem to do. I am tired of not being able to walk upstairs without my legs hurting or waking up with leg cramps. And you know what I have figured out - it is ok to be tired of it. What is not ok is to not move forward - to stand still or to be still for longer than that it takes to catch your breath. Because if you stand in that minute too long you lose your momentum.

I hate feeling useless, I hate not feeling up to doing something every time something is planned away from the house. I hate feeling anxious all the time. Basically, as my brothers would tell me I hate not being in control. Yeap - that's the big one. I am not in control, and I am not sure what I can control at this point because even my emotions don't listen. Sometimes you would think that no one has ever said anything nice to me because when someone does now - I get misty eyed. It really sucks.

So yea the emotional price tag is high for me because you lose yourself in the journey but sometimes along the way if you pay attention, you gain something else. It all depends on your perspective.

This story came into my insta feed the other day - it was about a girl who was going through a tough time and her dad was a chef and they were talking. The dad took his daughter into the kitchen and had three pots boiling - he places carrots in the first, eggs in the second and coffee in the third. The carrots got soft, the eggs got hard, but the coffee transformed the water into something incredible. I would like to say I am the coffee but since I am a realist - yea I will probably be all three at some point. But hopefully at some point this journey will transform me into being cancer free - with perky headlights in my 50's and maybe a cup of joe that isn't too bitter.