UPS and downs of the process

There are so many things that happen during the process and it is hard to put into words or come to terms with everything that happens during the process.

My husband and my daughters have been my greatest up. They have loved me through the difficult days and stood by me. I could not have done this without them. My husband has been my rock. He has not missed one treatment or doctors appointment. He has loved me unconditionally whether I deserved it or not.

The ups are the people that you meet. My care team from the doctors, to my nurses who do the infusions to the wonderful support staff and receptionists that I have met along the way. Meeting fellow survivors and walking through this with friends. My support network which has been our family, our whole neighborhood and friends and my husbands colleagues, former teachers from our kids elementary school, to my daughters friends in college that some I have not met yet but have sent me messages. I am so blessed. Words cannot thank them enough.

The lows are feeling broken, unworthy, anxious, scared, mad, guilty. The pain of the process physically but also emotionally and mentally as well. Not just on me but the whole family. The time lost to the recovery process. Missing important events that previously had not missed. The pain and guilt of these as well.

I tried to make light of the process sometimes and use my humor to deflect - try to make the situation better or hide sometimes so I don’t have to deal with it or the emotions or pain but it’s how I get through it. It is not that I believe the process isn’t serious- it is my way of coping. Everyone deals with it in their own way and that is ok and important for them to do so.